The Art of the Buddy Poop

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Hockey is on hiatus right now, and I haven't had much to say.

Well, the other day I was taking a large dump. It was a lonely dump, in a public bathroom, with a vacant stall to my left. I found myself wishing I had somebody to talk to. There's nothing like poppin a squat and relaxing for a good ol' Jay Bouwmeester, with a lad next door to chirp with. That's where I got the idea to make this post.

The buddy poop is an extremely integral part of any legit hockey club. There is a reason that one of the first things you hear when you get to the road barn is "Hey lads I gotta go drop one, anyone down for a buddy poop?" Like clockwork, 3 or 4 teammates are ready to join you in this righteous bonding experience. Granted, this could cause an issue, as the number of toilets vs. the number of buddies might not be even.

Once it gets strategically decided who the odd buddy out is, the lads all embark on their mission. What happens during a buddy poop is a thing of beauty. There is certainly no embarrassment in any stall. If Sully's stall sounds like a war zone, Joey is right next door rooting him on. Even if Joey's dump is about as weak as a 4th grader's. During the poop, the lads will talk about whatever they please, from American politics to the new graphic on the Natty Light can. Generally, everyone always throws in a fat Brian Rafalski to get the dung a-flowin. Nothin like a ripper to get those bowels moving.

Next, I'd like to touch on the cardinal rule of the buddy poop: Never leave a buddy behind. If you finish your dump, and you hear your buddy still firing away, DO NOT START WIPING. The last thing you want to do is make a buddy feel rushed during a shit. Sit down and relax, maybe get the heavy stuff off if need be. Walk in as a team, walk out as a team. This is why the buddy flush is generally in beautiful unison.

Before I retire, I'd like to recollect my first ever exposure to the buddy poop. Junior year or high school, school ended at 2:30 and practice didn't start until 4:30. Most of the lads would just go straight to the rink and order a pizza or something and hang out until the locker room got open at about 4. While waiting for the pizza, guess what happened? A buddy poop. Or a group poop. This was perfect too, because our barn had 10 stalls. No one was ever left behind. It became such a tradition, that every one of us had our own designated stall that we dumped in every single time. A true thing of beauty.

So next time you think about how pooping should be a private thing, remember the hockey player, sitting in the stall with a fat salse in the bottom lip, trying to outfart his teammate the next stall over, chirping about how uncomfortable the middle-aged guy that just came in to take a quick piss is at the fact that 2 dudes are shitting and talking, just having an all out amazing bonding experience.

I'm gonna try to get an interview with a W&J Defect here soon.

Bruiser

So I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I work at a local hockey equipment retailer. Well here's a little story from there last night.

I got into work at 3:00. At 4:00 walked in Bruiser, one of my fellow employees. He's 18 or something like that. Apparently he's either a psycho or a terrible fighter.

13 stitches above his left eye. Both eyes black. Swollen forehead (looked like a tumor). 4 chipped teeth. Broken nose.

He got in a fight over the weekend in his game with some Canadian 4th line grocery stick. A regular Tony Twist. Apparently they went toe-to-toe for about a minute and 15 seconds, and the other guy looked about the same.

Anyway, a hockey store is the only place you can go into and be waited on by some brutally beaten 18 year old kid and have it not be weird. In fact, you embrace it. You get excited to hear about the savage beating that occurred.

What a sport.

Mio's Top 10: Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

I will turn this over to Mio, with his first ever Mio's Top Ten.

Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

10. Frosty - a chirp for the guy who ends up wearing the surface on his sweater after his yard sale collision outside the blue catching a buddy pass.

Sully: “Eh Murph, check out Frosty the Snowman”

Murph: “Looks more like Frosty the Gitch Sniff”

9. Pine Apple (a.k.a. The Craig Frey Ghost Point) – when the vermin bench plug on your squad chisles a point from the bench.

8. Vampire Protector - a creative word for the awkward looking neck protectors squirts wear.

7. Penalty Shot- a free pass for Tommy 21^st Birthday to go wheel the hot blonde at the bar with no teammate interference.

6. “It must be hard to eat without any hands.” - A classic one-line jab to an opponent whose hands are harder than the marble floor he’ll be sweeping at his nearest Sunoco.

5. Flamingo - a newly-used term to describe when a soft D-man lifts one leg and freezes, bored stiff, as a bruiser winds up a clapper.

4. Dump and Change - Term used to bring up a change to the game plan and hit up another banger.

Sully: “Hey boys there nothing here but Devils fans”

Murph: “Yeah let’s dump and change down to the bar on college street.”

3. Third Man In Rule - practically a pillar in hockey’s code of ethics, the Third Man In Rule states that one person may ask to scuz a pinch from a dipper’s tin when the soon-to-be-owner is about to take a digger of his own, but any further requests by teammates will be denied.

2. Lottery ticket. Nothing can demean a tough hockey player more than bringing up the fact that chances of him playing in a game this season aren't much higher than winning the lottery.

“Hey pal, you’ve been scratched more times than a lottery ticket.”

1. Ronny Textall - Baseball took this concept and coined it “Richie Texton” after a mediocre first basemen for the Mariners. Hockey took a washed-up, mustached, Marlboro-red-smoking Broadway Bully to quip to a Mike Heltman-esque teammate whose buried in his phone texting at all times. Would Ronny Hextall do that?

Honorable Mention: Bobby Big Wheel, Grocery Stick, Hero, Wheels on a Canoe

The Questionnaire, The Sequel

Senior picture of Tommy Toe Dragger, courtesy of James "The Bod" Pasquine. Sick flow.

And now for the survey's second half:

8. What is Mio's best attribute on the ice?

Mio: I think I've had good rebound control lately

Crockett: The game he dresses

Masters: The lack of any concern other than winning the game

Krot: His chirps

Tanner: Motherfucking the other team

Stryff: His pillows are raw

Johnny's playing ability, along with his chirps, flow, determination, and looks creates a recipe for success. However I'd say his best attribute would be his dressed game. Look good, feel good, play good.

9. What is Mio's best attribute off the ice?

Mio: My school work

Crockett: His wheels (edited for content)

Chef Sav: His hilarious storytelling

Masters: His wheels (edited for content)

Krot: His wheels

Tanner: Absolutely impossible to even edit what was said here. What a beaut

Stryff: His one liners, eh Fordo?

Definitely would have to go with the one-liners/stories. This beauty never fails to put a smile on your face.

10. What is your favorite nickname of another player on the team?

Mio: Sav ___ of ___ (fill in the blanks). I prefer Sav Stack of Pancakes.

Crockett: Rich being called Chim

Chef Sav: Besides all mine, Dr. Chim Richalds

Dugan: The Big Fella for Masters

Masters: Krot Rocket or Putang

Krot: Mr. Duggan

Tanner: Scuz for Mio

Stryff: Sav. Hands down. That devil. Sav bag o' doughnuts takes the cake in this category.

Heltguy for Heltman, Chim for Rich, Chef Sav/Sav Bag'o'Doughnuts for Ryno, Rainman for Raymus

11. Who has the sloppiest locker on the team?

Answers: Masters, Stryff (x2), Raymus (x2)

Stryff: Slice or Raymus. The rainman just has paraphernalia scattered

Definitely gotta go with Stryff here. Dude's got stuff flowing to about a 10 foot radius around his locker.

12. Who has the neatest locker on the team?

Answers: Gezz, Raymus, Mio, Krot, Heltman

Gotta go with Krot on this one. Being his next door neighbor is always nice. His gitch never gets in my way.

13. Who on the squad do you feel most uncomfortable showering with?

Mio: This is a weird question to publish on the internet

Unanimous Answer: Masters

Masters: Hmm, can't think of anyone. I will probably get the majority of votes in this category.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with masters here. Nuff said.

14. What is your favorite post game soda?

Mio: I've been diggin Bud Heavy lately

Crockett: New Castle Brown Ale or Beast Light

Chef Sav: Coors. The Banquet Beer.

Dugan: BL Smoothies (Dugan, I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for 2 testicles)

Masters: Orangeina

Krot: BL Smoothies and PBR (Krot, I'm only going to write you a script for 1 testicle)

Tanner: Blue Moon (You don't even deserve a script for testicles)

Stryff: Is this a serious question? Nothing but PBR for this cat.

PBR or Labatt Blue for this guy

15. What is your favorite meal as prepared by Chef Sav?

Mio: Shrimp Scampi with fresini chicken, mowright!

Crockett/Tanner: A bag of doughnuts

Chef Sav: Burgs and Dogs cooked the RIGHT way

Dugan: Mac'N Cheese, and since chef sav is preparing it, we would have to eat it at 5:00 sharp.

Krot: His apple sauce

Stryff: I really enjoy the chef's take on some top cheddar where mama hides the cookies with a nice batch of homemade sauce. It's delish.

Has to be anything Chef Sav throws on the grill. The kid is a magician with a spatula and some fire.

Questionairre, Eh?

So I sent out a short questionnaire to the guys on my team... Being that they're hockey players only about half of them responded. The other half was too busy studying, working out, and going to bed early (sic: getting fucked up and playing video games).

Special note to Mio for being the first responder. Get ready for the Mio's top 10 section of this blog.

Here are the first half of the questions, followed by my favorite answers, and my own answer.

1. Which W&J Hockey graduate do you miss the most?
Mio: Clint Lang, what a beaut

Crockett: Bob Rose

Chef Sav: Bryan Colligan, because he never stopped talking

Dugan: Chad

Masters: Jeff Cobb

Krot: Beitler

DT: Chad

Stryff: Jed

I'll go with one guy per year: 2007 = Bob Rose, 2008 = Craig Frey, 2009 = Mario Panucci

Although 2008 was a hell of a year with the likes of Frey, Beaner, Moose, Gootz, and Jed

2. Which W&J Hockey defect do you miss the most?'

Mio: Dan Gagne, what a derelict

Crockett: Do I qualify as a defect? If not, Eric Sweeney

Chef Sav: Smalls

Dugan: Gagne

Masters: Tyler Learn

Krot: Gagne

DT: Bronder because he was so fucking cool

Stryff: I don't know what "defect" means

My choice? Difficult call here, we've had so many greats, between Doaker, Fordo, Tits, Tyler, Smalls, Gags. I'd have to go with either Minskoff or Tyler Learn

3. If you could skate on a line with one W&J hockey graduate, who would it be and why?

Mio: Clint and Gootz. Mio I was gonna chirp you for naming 2 people, but then I realized those guys can be considered 1.

Krot: Mario Panucci, because then I'd always be mentioned in the headline of the "Unofficial W&J Hockey Website, no matter how bad I played. Well played, sir.

Stryff: Moose Langer. I feel that if my wheels and his confidence hit the surface, magicwould be made, and panties would be thrown carelessly by adoring vixens.

My choice? Probably Chad. Every time we were on the ice together our team scored. Some kind of accidental chemistry.

4. If you could skate on a line with one W&J hockey defect, who would it be and why?

Mio: Anyone but Siegel

Crockett: Smalls because we would complement each other nicely

Masters: Crockett because he'd make up for my lack of speed and skills with his hockey grandeur

Stryff: I still don't know what "defect" means

I'd have to go with Doak here. He'd add some comic relief to my game by allowing me the chance to hear a lot of growling out there. Plus I'd get a lot of breaks mid-shift due to his lofty injury totals.

5. Who is the funniest player on the squad and why?

Mio: As much as I hate to say it, Stryff. But don't tell anyone

Chef Sav: Stryff because of his chirps

Masters: Stryff has great comebacks and is rather witty, however I feel that my grotesque and twisted sense of humor has a greater laughter coefficient than his.

Krot: Stryff because he thinks his chest flow looks good

Stryff: Masters or Dugan. Quite possibly Mio. We got a bunch of Joey Jokesters on our squad.

Stryff is hilarious, yes. But so is Mio. And Luch. Dugan has his moments. Chim has some good ones as well. I'm a pretty funny MF'er as well. Crockett is hilarious. I'd go with the whole team here. Sum up everyone's funniest quality and you have quite a sight.

6. Who has the best flow on the squad?

Dugan: I'd say Stryff, but his head won't fit through the door, so Masters.

Crockett: Davy Crockett

Penkrot: Mike Penkrot

Mio: Anyone but Stryff of Ship

DT: Jim Driscoll

Stryff: Mio or myself. Let's get real here.

It's a tough one here. Krot has had some excellent flow lately. Mine usually looks pretty excellent. Crockett and Rich have their good flow days. Mio and Stryff have dirt flow at all times. I guess for most frequent flow I'd have to say Mio, and best flow (when at it's best) I'd say Krot.

7. Who has the best body on the squad?

The Joey Jokesters came to play on this question.

Chef Sav: Shipper

Dugan: Hands down, Eli

Masters: Eli, hands down

Krot: Tanger

DT: Shipper

Stryff: No homo, but Eli and Tanger take this one. Those guys are foxes.

I can see how my chisseled upper body in combination with my boyish good looks would facilitate my mention in this answer. I'd have to think about my answer long and hard. I'd either go with Shipper for his Holocaust-like allure or Tang for his Grinch-like figure. Note: My permanent inner tube from last year would have been mentioned here, however it has since deflated.

Second half of the questionnaire later.

The Last Rodeo

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my last career hockey road trip (Beer League Tourneys excluded here).

Friday morning, the lads embarked on a trip to Niagara University. Apparently, however, the hockey gods started thanksgiving break a little bit early. In what some all W&J's worst performance of the decade, we were shit on by Niagara, final score of 5-1. Let's just say that Niagara's players were more wobbly than a 3-legged dog. They made IUP look like the Detroit Red Wings. Anyway, all we could really do after the game was laugh at ourselves and try to hide our feelings of embarrassment.

The highlight of the night was when Mr. Duggan's parents dropped off milk and cookies for us in the locker room. Add oatmeal cookies with craisins and white chocolate morsels to my list of favorite foods please.

Back in the hotel, it was already late so we couldn't do much. I crashed in the room with my regular roadie roommates, Gezz and Chim. I lost rock-paper-scissors again, and had to share a bed with Chim. Oh well, nice senior bonding for our last rodeo. I thought it was about time to hit the hay when I was surprised by two of my teammates enjoying their first career rippers. What a sight. Quote of the night: "I keep getting hit with waves of heat and then non heat". Shot the shit with the guys for a couple more hours before calling it a night.

The next day, we were on a mission. We wanted to destroy the Niagara clowns, due in part to some brutal Hockey 101 chirpage. Well we did exactly that, with our roster of 11 (they had more healthy scratches then we had players). We scored a touchdown and Tang kicked the extra point. He looked like Nigel Gruff out there, kicking PAT's while rippin heaters. The score could have been a lot worse had we not held back late in the game.

Niagara's clown coach made his best Herb Brooks imitation by keeping his players on the ice for a bag skate after the game. Needless to say team enforcer Joe Michelucci (my blog's first and only follower) was ready, camera-in-hand. Youtube video to follow. Hockey 101 thread to follow. Overall the funniest/stupidest thing I have ever seen is to watch a bunch of purple-clad clowns bend their ankles up and down the ice for 10 minutes after a thorough ass pounding from a team with 1/3 the roster size. Awesome.

More tomorrow. Coming soon: Mio's top 10. A new addition to the blog. All I have to say is beware, Gongshow.

Dealing with the Jitters

Nothing like the feeling of waking up the morning of a game. You go through the entire day in somewhat of a fog, with the game looming in the back of your mind no matter what you do. It's really hard to concentrate on anything else other than the thought of the first sound of rubber slapping against frozen water at 9:00 that evening. All day long, you are jittery, nervous, excited, preoccupied, etc.

Here's what I do to try to deal with those jitters. I'm sure I'm not alone on some of these things.

8:02am - First alarm goes off

8:47am - Finally decide to get out of bed after 10 snooze hits

8:49am - Shower, but don't shave. I never shave on game days

9:01am - Mess around on the internet for a bit, watch some hockey highlights from the night before

9:17am - Grab a quick breakfast, usually eggs and toast, bacon if i'm lucky, OJ and water

9:30am - Go to classes (depending on the day)

12:00pm - Classes end

12:31pm - Lunch. Usually a LOT of carbs and protein, and a TON of water

1:00pm - lay down in bed, watch Yes Dear or The King of Queens, eventually fall asleep for a nap

3:02pm - First alarm goes off

3:32pm - Finally get out of bed after 7 snooze hits

3:33pm - Mess around on the internet again, usually watch some hockey clips or read hockey articles. For me, these days are all about hockey

3:49pm - Do something physical like walk, run, or hit the bike for a few minutes

4:13pm - Look up the opponent on the internet. Player stats, game results, etc.

4:24pm - Quick rinse in the shower

5:00pm - Dinner with the teammates. I generally will eat 2 pieces of pizza, 2 hard boiled eggs, a banana, and a bagel with peanut butter, with a ton of water. I always grab at least 2 more bananas to go, for before and during the game

5:43pm - Relax on my bed while listening to pre-game tunes

6:15pm - Shower. I find that showering helps to relax me on game days. Which is why I do it 3 times before I leave and once more at the rink 30 minutes before warmups.

6:28pm - Get my suit on. Look good, feel good, play good. Also pack what I need for the game

6:43pm - Start walking to my car. I like to be at the rink at least 2 hours before the game to prepare myself.

I have found that this is generally the best way for me to keep myself relaxed on the day of the game. Nevermind the fact that I visualize about 5o different scenarios on the ice in my mind over and over and try to prepare to how I will respond. I try to keep this routine the same almost every game. Those that know me know I am superstitious to a fault.

More tomorrow. Time to rest. Game tomorrow night (Will follow the protocol above).

I Went to a Fight the Other Night, And a Hockey Game Broke Out

Here are some famous hockey quotes that epitomize the game quite nicely. No rankings. Just random.

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

-Rodney Dangerfield

"All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and Profanity."

-Gordie Howe

"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept."

-Doug Larson

"Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records."

-Anonymous

"I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie."

-Brett Hull

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."

-Stu Grimson, on why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"Yeah, I'm cocky and I'm arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person."

-Jeremy Roenick

Lingo

One more post before bed.

I realize any of you non-hockey players out there probably scratch your head at half the stuff I say. Well, I'm not going to explain a lot of the terms I use. I'm writing this blog like a hockey player, and I'm going to talk like one. If you think about it, you can probably figure most of it out anyway. Feel free to ask questions. You may or may not be answered.

Sorry for yelling.

Upcoming post next week some time will include teammate surveys. That'll be a fun one.

Home Away From Home

Finally more on the locker room. Sorry for the delay, i have been absolutely swamped. This is the Pens locker room on a road trip.

The locker room. It's a place to laugh. It's a place to joke. It's a place to get pumped. It's a place to get clean. It's a place for cliches. It really is a "multi-purpose facility".

The amount of time a hockey player spends in the locker room of the home barn throughout the season is definitely significant. The guys start filing in about an hour before practice and two or more hours before games. Sometimes, we even stay and hang out an hour after practice ends.

What exactly goes on in there on practice days? Well, "what happens in the locker room stays in the locker room". So obviously I can't go into specifics. But a general idea: We show up and talk it up about last weekend's banger over at Murph's place and who did what crazy shit. Next? Everyone gets a few chirps in on each other for laughs. We will put some tunes on, and some guys will throw in a ripper. The conversation continues while we start putting on our gear. Usually its pretty relaxed on practice days. Then coach will say a few words, and we'll get ready to hit the ice. Afterwards, some bonding time after a nice workout on the ice. Conversations about what flick to watch that night or where to meet for a couple sodas. Tunes are still playing in the background, usually some mellow stuff. Post-practice rippers. Then we hit the showers. The only place where 20 naked dudes can be in a 4x4 area and not be gay. (this only applies to hockey players). After getting fresh, we usually hit up sheetz for a Renegade or a Schmuffin, then on to do whatever.

For most of us, the best time of the day are those 2 or 3 hours we spent at the rink with our teammates. It's an escape from all the shit life pours on you during the day. There's nothing like sittin in the room after a tough practice with your 20 best friends, throwing in a ripper, listening to some tunes, bullshitting about everything.

More later. It's late.

"Hockey Player"

I thought about it long and hard, and I decided to start this blog off by sharing some web definitions of the term "hockey player". Obviously, I did what any normal person would do and searched for it on urbandictionary.com... Here is what I found:

Hockey Player (haw-kee pla-r):

1. An individual who can beat you on the scoreboard and in the parking lot after the game

Yes, hockey players are known as being tough. Allow me to be a bit conceited!

2. Typically Canadian. Main goal in life is to not only score many points in a game, but to also score with as many chicks as possible

No doubt this is true. College hockey players are a little less barbaric though! (not really).

3. Usually what every young Canadian aspires to be. Probably the toughest and most physical athletes around. They take every hit like a man, get their asses back up and continue the shift (or demolish that MF’er). Hours of sweat, skating, practice, bonecrushing hits, broken teeth, blood, ice, sticks, pucks, punches and goals – they love every damn second of it. The bruises and scars are the physical badges of what hockey is all about. Dedicated to not only the physical prowess of the game, but also the skillful presence and crafty strategies of the sport. Character is what they live by. Probably the most masculine yet humble of athletes and have the hottest bodies ever. Scores both on and off the ice.

I like this definition. It shows that there is a lot more to us than being scum bags. Character is the operative word here.

4. Obviously the hottest type of athlete.

Thanks!

5. Hottest kind of person out there. Hands down. Hockey players have sick flow and pay the price for a good performance.

Thanks again! And we do have sick flow. (I’ll explain it later).

6. Real men. Everyone else likes to play with balls.

No argument here.

7. A person with very poor skating skills who decides to try to whack a puck into a net on the ice while acting like a big shot. This person doesn't appreciate the fine art of figure skating, yet they spend any time off the ice at the arena looking at the butts of figure skaters.

I guess half of this is true…

8. Extreme coke user. Snorts it all day long.

I’m speechless. I have to meet the person who decided to add this one. I thought about leaving it out but it's just so ridiculous I had to include it!


Well there is a nice laundry list of definitions provided by randoms on Urban Dictionary. Basically the term "hockey player" has a lot of different meanings tied to it. People look at us as scum bags, tough guys, the sexiest athletes, the best teammates, etc. Some of it's true, some of it isn't, but here is my take:

Hockey players are extremely mentally and physically tough athletes. We sacrifice a lot for our sport. Back in high school days, we'd miss out on football games and homecoming dances for trips to Ontario, Colorado Springs, Western Michigan, Upstate New York, etc. And in college we miss out on wild Friday night parties for 10:00pm puck drops 5 hours away. We miss out on rest, studying, and spending time with girlfriends and families. But we wouldn't have it any other way. The brotherhood that exists in the hockey locker room is hands down one of the best things anyone can experience. The character of a hockey player is unparalleled. We put our teammates before ourselves and do whatever it takes to win. And you better believe that we will always be the ones to close the bars and the last ones awake on college party nights. Sure, we may be cocky and barbaric. But beneath the surface you'll find a very sensitive guy that puts others first and does (contrary to popular belief) have some intellect!

More later tonight on the locker room.

Welcome

Hey all, welcome to my blog.

My goal for this blog is to give readers a little insight into the world of a college hockey player. I will be writing about the experiences of my last year of competitive hockey (not including the time when I become a Beer League Hero). I am excited to provide some insight on what it is to be a hockey player, including the daily life both on and off the ice, what goes through my head, and most importantly, the goings on of the locker room.

I am new to the blogging world. This is my first ever blog post. Feel free to email or leave any comments with advice on how to improve my first blog! Please pass this blog on to your friends, teammates, and family. I will do my best to keep you all entertained. I will try to update at least a couple of times a week.

Cheers,

Mike