Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Art of the Buddy Poop

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Hockey is on hiatus right now, and I haven't had much to say.

Well, the other day I was taking a large dump. It was a lonely dump, in a public bathroom, with a vacant stall to my left. I found myself wishing I had somebody to talk to. There's nothing like poppin a squat and relaxing for a good ol' Jay Bouwmeester, with a lad next door to chirp with. That's where I got the idea to make this post.

The buddy poop is an extremely integral part of any legit hockey club. There is a reason that one of the first things you hear when you get to the road barn is "Hey lads I gotta go drop one, anyone down for a buddy poop?" Like clockwork, 3 or 4 teammates are ready to join you in this righteous bonding experience. Granted, this could cause an issue, as the number of toilets vs. the number of buddies might not be even.

Once it gets strategically decided who the odd buddy out is, the lads all embark on their mission. What happens during a buddy poop is a thing of beauty. There is certainly no embarrassment in any stall. If Sully's stall sounds like a war zone, Joey is right next door rooting him on. Even if Joey's dump is about as weak as a 4th grader's. During the poop, the lads will talk about whatever they please, from American politics to the new graphic on the Natty Light can. Generally, everyone always throws in a fat Brian Rafalski to get the dung a-flowin. Nothin like a ripper to get those bowels moving.

Next, I'd like to touch on the cardinal rule of the buddy poop: Never leave a buddy behind. If you finish your dump, and you hear your buddy still firing away, DO NOT START WIPING. The last thing you want to do is make a buddy feel rushed during a shit. Sit down and relax, maybe get the heavy stuff off if need be. Walk in as a team, walk out as a team. This is why the buddy flush is generally in beautiful unison.

Before I retire, I'd like to recollect my first ever exposure to the buddy poop. Junior year or high school, school ended at 2:30 and practice didn't start until 4:30. Most of the lads would just go straight to the rink and order a pizza or something and hang out until the locker room got open at about 4. While waiting for the pizza, guess what happened? A buddy poop. Or a group poop. This was perfect too, because our barn had 10 stalls. No one was ever left behind. It became such a tradition, that every one of us had our own designated stall that we dumped in every single time. A true thing of beauty.

So next time you think about how pooping should be a private thing, remember the hockey player, sitting in the stall with a fat salse in the bottom lip, trying to outfart his teammate the next stall over, chirping about how uncomfortable the middle-aged guy that just came in to take a quick piss is at the fact that 2 dudes are shitting and talking, just having an all out amazing bonding experience.

I'm gonna try to get an interview with a W&J Defect here soon.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


So I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I work at a local hockey equipment retailer. Well here's a little story from there last night.

I got into work at 3:00. At 4:00 walked in Bruiser, one of my fellow employees. He's 18 or something like that. Apparently he's either a psycho or a terrible fighter.

13 stitches above his left eye. Both eyes black. Swollen forehead (looked like a tumor). 4 chipped teeth. Broken nose.

He got in a fight over the weekend in his game with some Canadian 4th line grocery stick. A regular Tony Twist. Apparently they went toe-to-toe for about a minute and 15 seconds, and the other guy looked about the same.

Anyway, a hockey store is the only place you can go into and be waited on by some brutally beaten 18 year old kid and have it not be weird. In fact, you embrace it. You get excited to hear about the savage beating that occurred.

What a sport.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Mio's Top 10: Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

I will turn this over to Mio, with his first ever Mio's Top Ten.

Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

10. Frosty - a chirp for the guy who ends up wearing the surface on his sweater after his yard sale collision outside the blue catching a buddy pass.

Sully: “Eh Murph, check out Frosty the Snowman”

Murph: “Looks more like Frosty the Gitch Sniff”

9. Pine Apple (a.k.a. The Craig Frey Ghost Point) – when the vermin bench plug on your squad chisles a point from the bench.

8. Vampire Protector - a creative word for the awkward looking neck protectors squirts wear.

7. Penalty Shot- a free pass for Tommy 21st Birthday to go wheel the hot blonde at the bar with no teammate interference.

6. “It must be hard to eat without any hands.” - A classic one-line jab to an opponent whose hands are harder than the marble floor he’ll be sweeping at his nearest Sunoco.

5. Flamingo - a newly-used term to describe when a soft D-man lifts one leg and freezes, bored stiff, as a bruiser winds up a clapper.

4. Dump and Change - Term used to bring up a change to the game plan and hit up another banger.

Sully: “Hey boys there nothing here but Devils fans”

Murph: “Yeah let’s dump and change down to the bar on college street.”

3. Third Man In Rule - practically a pillar in hockey’s code of ethics, the Third Man In Rule states that one person may ask to scuz a pinch from a dipper’s tin when the soon-to-be-owner is about to take a digger of his own, but any further requests by teammates will be denied.

2. Lottery ticket. Nothing can demean a tough hockey player more than bringing up the fact that chances of him playing in a game this season aren't much higher than winning the lottery.

“Hey pal, you’ve been scratched more times than a lottery ticket.”

1. Ronny Textall - Baseball took this concept and coined it “Richie Texton” after a mediocre first basemen for the Mariners. Hockey took a washed-up, mustached, Marlboro-red-smoking Broadway Bully to quip to a Mike Heltman-esque teammate whose buried in his phone texting at all times. Would Ronny Hextall do that?

Honorable Mention: Bobby Big Wheel, Grocery Stick, Hero, Wheels on a Canoe

The Questionnaire, The Sequel

Senior picture of Tommy Toe Dragger, courtesy of James "The Bod" Pasquine. Sick flow.

And now for the survey's second half:

8. What is Mio's best attribute on the ice?
Mio: I think I've had good rebound control lately
Crockett: The game he dresses
Masters: The lack of any concern other than winning the game
Krot: His chirps
Tanner: Motherfucking the other team
Stryff: His pillows are raw

Johnny's playing ability, along with his chirps, flow, determination, and looks creates a recipe for success. However I'd say his best attribute would be his dressed game. Look good, feel good, play good.

9. What is Mio's best attribute off the ice?
Mio: My school work
Crockett: His wheels (edited for content)
Chef Sav: His hilarious storytelling
Masters: His wheels (edited for content)
Krot: His wheels
Tanner: Absolutely impossible to even edit what was said here. What a beaut
Stryff: His one liners, eh Fordo?
Definitely would have to go with the one-liners/stories. This beauty never fails to put a smile on your face.

10. What is your favorite nickname of another player on the team?
Mio: Sav ___ of ___ (fill in the blanks). I prefer Sav Stack of Pancakes.
Crockett: Rich being called Chim
Chef Sav: Besides all mine, Dr. Chim Richalds
Dugan: The Big Fella for Masters
Masters: Krot Rocket or Putang
Krot: Mr. Duggan
Tanner: Scuz for Mio
Stryff: Sav. Hands down. That devil. Sav bag o' doughnuts takes the cake in this category.
Heltguy for Heltman, Chim for Rich, Chef Sav/Sav Bag'o'Doughnuts for Ryno, Rainman for Raymus

11. Who has the sloppiest locker on the team?
Answers: Masters, Stryff (x2), Raymus (x2)
Stryff: Slice or Raymus. The rainman just has paraphernalia scattered
Definitely gotta go with Stryff here. Dude's got stuff flowing to about a 10 foot radius around his locker.

12. Who has the neatest locker on the team?
Answers: Gezz, Raymus, Mio, Krot, Heltman
Gotta go with Krot on this one. Being his next door neighbor is always nice. His gitch never gets in my way.

13. Who on the squad do you feel most uncomfortable showering with?
Mio: This is a weird question to publish on the internet
Unanimous Answer: Masters
Masters: Hmm, can't think of anyone. I will probably get the majority of votes in this category.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with masters here. Nuff said.

14. What is your favorite post game soda?
Mio: I've been diggin Bud Heavy lately
Crockett: New Castle Brown Ale or Beast Light
Chef Sav: Coors. The Banquet Beer.
Dugan: BL Smoothies (Dugan, I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for 2 testicles)
Masters: Orangeina
Krot: BL Smoothies and PBR (Krot, I'm only going to write you a script for 1 testicle)
Tanner: Blue Moon (You don't even deserve a script for testicles)
Stryff: Is this a serious question? Nothing but PBR for this cat.
PBR or Labatt Blue for this guy

15. What is your favorite meal as prepared by Chef Sav?
Mio: Shrimp Scampi with fresini chicken, mowright!
Crockett/Tanner: A bag of doughnuts
Chef Sav: Burgs and Dogs cooked the RIGHT way
Dugan: Mac'N Cheese, and since chef sav is preparing it, we would have to eat it at 5:00 sharp.
Krot: His apple sauce
Stryff: I really enjoy the chef's take on some top cheddar where mama hides the cookies with a nice batch of homemade sauce. It's delish.
Has to be anything Chef Sav throws on the grill. The kid is a magician with a spatula and some fire.