No Mercy

Bulgarian fan at an olympic qualifier in 2008. Hat tip to Puck Daddy for the picture.

In the first game of women's ice hockey in the 2010 Vancouver olympics, Canada destroyed Slovakia by a score of 18-0. That's a goal every 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Pretty brutal, eh FORDO?!?!? Canada has taken a lot of heat for embarrassing the women of Slovakia. When I saw the score I was like "wow, what a bunch of arthouse goons, it's a shame they'd do that to a team".

But then to my dismay, I became aware of Slovakia being on the other end of a thorough bombing in the Olympic qualifiers on September 6th, 2008. Slovakia came out flat, but was able to hold off Bulgaria by a score of 82-0.

Not a typo. In front of a crowd of 37, the final score of the game was literally 82-0. That's a goal every 44 seconds by the Slovaks.

Slovakia started out slow, not scoring until the 57-second mark, and only leading 7-0 after 5 minutes of play. Lucky for them, they scored 12 goals in the next 5 minutes to take a 19-0 lead to the midway point of the first period. They cooled off again, and finished the 3rd period with a very surmountable 31-0 lead. The 2nd period started with a tough battle, as the next goal would be a big one. Luckily it only took 34 seconds for the Slovaks to bury again. By the end of the 2nd period, Slovakia held a 55-0 lead. Making sure to avoid Bulgaria making any miracles happen, Slovakia continued to pour it on in the 3rd. Finally, with 3 minutes left to play, Slovakia scored its 77th goal, at which point Bulgaria gave up, deciding it would be pretty hard to score 77 goals in 3 minutes, so they put their backup goaltender in. The backup had a rough time, allowing all 5 shots she faced to go in. Final score: 82-0.

Bulgaria's starting goaltender did have a pretty admirable performance, making 57 saves. The final shots were 139-0 in favor of Slovakia.

I pulled up the box score and found some interesting tidbits. Here are the stats for the Slovakian players:

Player G A PTS

M. Herichova 8 10 18

J. Culikova 10 7 17

M. Velickova 9 8 17

N. Celarova 8 9 17

P. Dankova 4 12 16

A. Dzurnakova 3 11 14

N. Gapova 8 4 12

L. Srokova 5 7 12

R. Vargova 8 3 11

I. Karafiatova 6 5 11

Z. Moravcikova 6 4 10

J. Kapustova 5 4 9

B. Bremova 1 7 8
V. Konecna 1 2 3

P. Orszaghova 0 2 2

E. Rakova 0 0 0

12 hat tricks, 4 8-goal scorers, 1 9-goal scorer, 1 10-goal scorer, 11 double-digit point getters. My only question is WHAT THE FUCK was E. Rakova doing? How did she not accidentally get a puck shot off her and in. There were 82 goals. You're telling me she couldn't get a single point? The 2 names above her had weak performances too.

On the Bulgaria side, defenseman Alisa Peneva will be getting some looks from some good teams, as she led the team with a +/- of -34. Not even Rico Fata can accomplish that. Forwards Maria Ivanova and Olga Gospodinova really need to work on their defense a bit, as each were -39.

It's hard to believe that this could happen in a real actual game. I don't even think the NHL all-stars would beat W&J that bad. I'd like to think we could get at least one shot.

The worst part is, this isn't even the worst deficit ever recorded. In a U18 tournament back in 1998, South Korea defeated Thailand 92-0. UNREAL.

I wonder how long the babe in the picture above stayed at the game.

The NHL All-Bro Team

Apologies for the lengthy amount of time between posts. Happy 2010 errbody. I'd like to open up the year with not a blog post, but an announcement.

With the recent announcements of the Men's Ice Hockey Olympic teams, along with the inspiration of Bro Michelucci and Johnny Guyo, I have got together with several past and present hockey greats to develop the 2010 NHL All-Bro Team.

The team was selected by General Manager Bro Nieuwendyk (Dallas). It will be coached by 11-time Stanley Cup Champion Scottie Broman, with his Asian/Eskimo-looking assistant Ted Brolan. Alex Brovechkin was kept off the team because he's a douche bag. Atlanta led the way with 3 Bros, while Carolina, Calgary, Dallas, and LA each had 2 bros on the team.

And now, for the roster:

Goaltenders (3)

Tomas Brokoun (Florida)

Brose Theodore (Washington)

Brohan Hedberg (Atlanta)

Defensemen (7)

Zack Brogosian (Atlanta)

Joe Corbro (Carolina)

Broni Pitkanen (Carolina)

Johnny Broduya (New Jersey)

Francois Brochemin (Toronto)

Jay Bromeester (Calgary)

Stephane Brobidas (Dallas)

Forwards (14)

Ilya Brovalchuk (Atlanta)

Scott Bromez (Montreal)

Alexei Brovalev (Ottawa)

Riley Brote (Philadelphia)

Olli Brokinen (Calgary)

Fredrik Brodin (Columbus)

Browen Nolan (Minnesota)

Brohan Franzen (Detroit)
Patrick Bro'Sullivan (Edmonton)

Anze Bropitar (Los Angeles)

Alexander Brolov (Los Angeles)

Shane Broan (Phoenix)

Bro Thornton (San Jose)
TJ Broshie (St. Louis)

The Art of the Buddy Poop

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Hockey is on hiatus right now, and I haven't had much to say.

Well, the other day I was taking a large dump. It was a lonely dump, in a public bathroom, with a vacant stall to my left. I found myself wishing I had somebody to talk to. There's nothing like poppin a squat and relaxing for a good ol' Jay Bouwmeester, with a lad next door to chirp with. That's where I got the idea to make this post.

The buddy poop is an extremely integral part of any legit hockey club. There is a reason that one of the first things you hear when you get to the road barn is "Hey lads I gotta go drop one, anyone down for a buddy poop?" Like clockwork, 3 or 4 teammates are ready to join you in this righteous bonding experience. Granted, this could cause an issue, as the number of toilets vs. the number of buddies might not be even.

Once it gets strategically decided who the odd buddy out is, the lads all embark on their mission. What happens during a buddy poop is a thing of beauty. There is certainly no embarrassment in any stall. If Sully's stall sounds like a war zone, Joey is right next door rooting him on. Even if Joey's dump is about as weak as a 4th grader's. During the poop, the lads will talk about whatever they please, from American politics to the new graphic on the Natty Light can. Generally, everyone always throws in a fat Brian Rafalski to get the dung a-flowin. Nothin like a ripper to get those bowels moving.

Next, I'd like to touch on the cardinal rule of the buddy poop: Never leave a buddy behind. If you finish your dump, and you hear your buddy still firing away, DO NOT START WIPING. The last thing you want to do is make a buddy feel rushed during a shit. Sit down and relax, maybe get the heavy stuff off if need be. Walk in as a team, walk out as a team. This is why the buddy flush is generally in beautiful unison.

Before I retire, I'd like to recollect my first ever exposure to the buddy poop. Junior year or high school, school ended at 2:30 and practice didn't start until 4:30. Most of the lads would just go straight to the rink and order a pizza or something and hang out until the locker room got open at about 4. While waiting for the pizza, guess what happened? A buddy poop. Or a group poop. This was perfect too, because our barn had 10 stalls. No one was ever left behind. It became such a tradition, that every one of us had our own designated stall that we dumped in every single time. A true thing of beauty.

So next time you think about how pooping should be a private thing, remember the hockey player, sitting in the stall with a fat salse in the bottom lip, trying to outfart his teammate the next stall over, chirping about how uncomfortable the middle-aged guy that just came in to take a quick piss is at the fact that 2 dudes are shitting and talking, just having an all out amazing bonding experience.

I'm gonna try to get an interview with a W&J Defect here soon.

Bruiser

So I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I work at a local hockey equipment retailer. Well here's a little story from there last night.

I got into work at 3:00. At 4:00 walked in Bruiser, one of my fellow employees. He's 18 or something like that. Apparently he's either a psycho or a terrible fighter.

13 stitches above his left eye. Both eyes black. Swollen forehead (looked like a tumor). 4 chipped teeth. Broken nose.

He got in a fight over the weekend in his game with some Canadian 4th line grocery stick. A regular Tony Twist. Apparently they went toe-to-toe for about a minute and 15 seconds, and the other guy looked about the same.

Anyway, a hockey store is the only place you can go into and be waited on by some brutally beaten 18 year old kid and have it not be weird. In fact, you embrace it. You get excited to hear about the savage beating that occurred.

What a sport.

Mio's Top 10: Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

I will turn this over to Mio, with his first ever Mio's Top Ten.

Top 10 Hockey Lingo Terms (Chirps, if you will)

10. Frosty - a chirp for the guy who ends up wearing the surface on his sweater after his yard sale collision outside the blue catching a buddy pass.

Sully: “Eh Murph, check out Frosty the Snowman”

Murph: “Looks more like Frosty the Gitch Sniff”

9. Pine Apple (a.k.a. The Craig Frey Ghost Point) – when the vermin bench plug on your squad chisles a point from the bench.

8. Vampire Protector - a creative word for the awkward looking neck protectors squirts wear.

7. Penalty Shot- a free pass for Tommy 21^st Birthday to go wheel the hot blonde at the bar with no teammate interference.

6. “It must be hard to eat without any hands.” - A classic one-line jab to an opponent whose hands are harder than the marble floor he’ll be sweeping at his nearest Sunoco.

5. Flamingo - a newly-used term to describe when a soft D-man lifts one leg and freezes, bored stiff, as a bruiser winds up a clapper.

4. Dump and Change - Term used to bring up a change to the game plan and hit up another banger.

Sully: “Hey boys there nothing here but Devils fans”

Murph: “Yeah let’s dump and change down to the bar on college street.”

3. Third Man In Rule - practically a pillar in hockey’s code of ethics, the Third Man In Rule states that one person may ask to scuz a pinch from a dipper’s tin when the soon-to-be-owner is about to take a digger of his own, but any further requests by teammates will be denied.

2. Lottery ticket. Nothing can demean a tough hockey player more than bringing up the fact that chances of him playing in a game this season aren't much higher than winning the lottery.

“Hey pal, you’ve been scratched more times than a lottery ticket.”

1. Ronny Textall - Baseball took this concept and coined it “Richie Texton” after a mediocre first basemen for the Mariners. Hockey took a washed-up, mustached, Marlboro-red-smoking Broadway Bully to quip to a Mike Heltman-esque teammate whose buried in his phone texting at all times. Would Ronny Hextall do that?

Honorable Mention: Bobby Big Wheel, Grocery Stick, Hero, Wheels on a Canoe

The Questionnaire, The Sequel

Senior picture of Tommy Toe Dragger, courtesy of James "The Bod" Pasquine. Sick flow.

And now for the survey's second half:

8. What is Mio's best attribute on the ice?

Mio: I think I've had good rebound control lately

Crockett: The game he dresses

Masters: The lack of any concern other than winning the game

Krot: His chirps

Tanner: Motherfucking the other team

Stryff: His pillows are raw

Johnny's playing ability, along with his chirps, flow, determination, and looks creates a recipe for success. However I'd say his best attribute would be his dressed game. Look good, feel good, play good.

9. What is Mio's best attribute off the ice?

Mio: My school work

Crockett: His wheels (edited for content)

Chef Sav: His hilarious storytelling

Masters: His wheels (edited for content)

Krot: His wheels

Tanner: Absolutely impossible to even edit what was said here. What a beaut

Stryff: His one liners, eh Fordo?

Definitely would have to go with the one-liners/stories. This beauty never fails to put a smile on your face.

10. What is your favorite nickname of another player on the team?

Mio: Sav ___ of ___ (fill in the blanks). I prefer Sav Stack of Pancakes.

Crockett: Rich being called Chim

Chef Sav: Besides all mine, Dr. Chim Richalds

Dugan: The Big Fella for Masters

Masters: Krot Rocket or Putang

Krot: Mr. Duggan

Tanner: Scuz for Mio

Stryff: Sav. Hands down. That devil. Sav bag o' doughnuts takes the cake in this category.

Heltguy for Heltman, Chim for Rich, Chef Sav/Sav Bag'o'Doughnuts for Ryno, Rainman for Raymus

11. Who has the sloppiest locker on the team?

Answers: Masters, Stryff (x2), Raymus (x2)

Stryff: Slice or Raymus. The rainman just has paraphernalia scattered

Definitely gotta go with Stryff here. Dude's got stuff flowing to about a 10 foot radius around his locker.

12. Who has the neatest locker on the team?

Answers: Gezz, Raymus, Mio, Krot, Heltman

Gotta go with Krot on this one. Being his next door neighbor is always nice. His gitch never gets in my way.

13. Who on the squad do you feel most uncomfortable showering with?

Mio: This is a weird question to publish on the internet

Unanimous Answer: Masters

Masters: Hmm, can't think of anyone. I will probably get the majority of votes in this category.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with masters here. Nuff said.

14. What is your favorite post game soda?

Mio: I've been diggin Bud Heavy lately

Crockett: New Castle Brown Ale or Beast Light

Chef Sav: Coors. The Banquet Beer.

Dugan: BL Smoothies (Dugan, I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for 2 testicles)

Masters: Orangeina

Krot: BL Smoothies and PBR (Krot, I'm only going to write you a script for 1 testicle)

Tanner: Blue Moon (You don't even deserve a script for testicles)

Stryff: Is this a serious question? Nothing but PBR for this cat.

PBR or Labatt Blue for this guy

15. What is your favorite meal as prepared by Chef Sav?

Mio: Shrimp Scampi with fresini chicken, mowright!

Crockett/Tanner: A bag of doughnuts

Chef Sav: Burgs and Dogs cooked the RIGHT way

Dugan: Mac'N Cheese, and since chef sav is preparing it, we would have to eat it at 5:00 sharp.

Krot: His apple sauce

Stryff: I really enjoy the chef's take on some top cheddar where mama hides the cookies with a nice batch of homemade sauce. It's delish.

Has to be anything Chef Sav throws on the grill. The kid is a magician with a spatula and some fire.

Questionairre, Eh?

So I sent out a short questionnaire to the guys on my team... Being that they're hockey players only about half of them responded. The other half was too busy studying, working out, and going to bed early (sic: getting fucked up and playing video games).

Special note to Mio for being the first responder. Get ready for the Mio's top 10 section of this blog.

Here are the first half of the questions, followed by my favorite answers, and my own answer.

1. Which W&J Hockey graduate do you miss the most?
Mio: Clint Lang, what a beaut

Crockett: Bob Rose

Chef Sav: Bryan Colligan, because he never stopped talking

Dugan: Chad

Masters: Jeff Cobb

Krot: Beitler

DT: Chad

Stryff: Jed

I'll go with one guy per year: 2007 = Bob Rose, 2008 = Craig Frey, 2009 = Mario Panucci

Although 2008 was a hell of a year with the likes of Frey, Beaner, Moose, Gootz, and Jed

2. Which W&J Hockey defect do you miss the most?'

Mio: Dan Gagne, what a derelict

Crockett: Do I qualify as a defect? If not, Eric Sweeney

Chef Sav: Smalls

Dugan: Gagne

Masters: Tyler Learn

Krot: Gagne

DT: Bronder because he was so fucking cool

Stryff: I don't know what "defect" means

My choice? Difficult call here, we've had so many greats, between Doaker, Fordo, Tits, Tyler, Smalls, Gags. I'd have to go with either Minskoff or Tyler Learn

3. If you could skate on a line with one W&J hockey graduate, who would it be and why?

Mio: Clint and Gootz. Mio I was gonna chirp you for naming 2 people, but then I realized those guys can be considered 1.

Krot: Mario Panucci, because then I'd always be mentioned in the headline of the "Unofficial W&J Hockey Website, no matter how bad I played. Well played, sir.

Stryff: Moose Langer. I feel that if my wheels and his confidence hit the surface, magicwould be made, and panties would be thrown carelessly by adoring vixens.

My choice? Probably Chad. Every time we were on the ice together our team scored. Some kind of accidental chemistry.

4. If you could skate on a line with one W&J hockey defect, who would it be and why?

Mio: Anyone but Siegel

Crockett: Smalls because we would complement each other nicely

Masters: Crockett because he'd make up for my lack of speed and skills with his hockey grandeur

Stryff: I still don't know what "defect" means

I'd have to go with Doak here. He'd add some comic relief to my game by allowing me the chance to hear a lot of growling out there. Plus I'd get a lot of breaks mid-shift due to his lofty injury totals.

5. Who is the funniest player on the squad and why?

Mio: As much as I hate to say it, Stryff. But don't tell anyone

Chef Sav: Stryff because of his chirps

Masters: Stryff has great comebacks and is rather witty, however I feel that my grotesque and twisted sense of humor has a greater laughter coefficient than his.

Krot: Stryff because he thinks his chest flow looks good

Stryff: Masters or Dugan. Quite possibly Mio. We got a bunch of Joey Jokesters on our squad.

Stryff is hilarious, yes. But so is Mio. And Luch. Dugan has his moments. Chim has some good ones as well. I'm a pretty funny MF'er as well. Crockett is hilarious. I'd go with the whole team here. Sum up everyone's funniest quality and you have quite a sight.

6. Who has the best flow on the squad?

Dugan: I'd say Stryff, but his head won't fit through the door, so Masters.

Crockett: Davy Crockett

Penkrot: Mike Penkrot

Mio: Anyone but Stryff of Ship

DT: Jim Driscoll

Stryff: Mio or myself. Let's get real here.

It's a tough one here. Krot has had some excellent flow lately. Mine usually looks pretty excellent. Crockett and Rich have their good flow days. Mio and Stryff have dirt flow at all times. I guess for most frequent flow I'd have to say Mio, and best flow (when at it's best) I'd say Krot.

7. Who has the best body on the squad?

The Joey Jokesters came to play on this question.

Chef Sav: Shipper

Dugan: Hands down, Eli

Masters: Eli, hands down

Krot: Tanger

DT: Shipper

Stryff: No homo, but Eli and Tanger take this one. Those guys are foxes.

I can see how my chisseled upper body in combination with my boyish good looks would facilitate my mention in this answer. I'd have to think about my answer long and hard. I'd either go with Shipper for his Holocaust-like allure or Tang for his Grinch-like figure. Note: My permanent inner tube from last year would have been mentioned here, however it has since deflated.

Second half of the questionnaire later.